Indigo's Journey

My Alters  

My psychic profile includes a default Primary personality (Indigo), four Alters (Ashen, Willow, Thistle, and Halo), and two Fragments (Monitor and Ghost). The integrated super-personality was constructed around the Indigo personality.

Click images for larger view.  Drawings by Atena

This is me. I am the closest thing to an original personality that still exists in this body. I am sort of an echo of the "real" original self. Unfortunately, the original persona is either lost, in hiding, or is incapacitated. Since I am, in fact, simply a powerful Alter and not the real Primary personality, I refer to myself as a "default" Primary. I am not the original; I am what's left of the original. If that sounds sad to you, that's because it is sad. I have about 70% of the psychic intensity of a real, genuine Primary personality. Being integrated brings that effective strength back up to 100%.

What can I say about myself? As the default Primary, I'm the one that gets to do all the really fun stuff like going to work, paying bills, and doing the chores. On the other hand, I also get first crack at eating and shopping, so it's not all bad!

Like all Alters in this body, I have a symbolic name. "Indigo" is my symbolic name. This body has a legal name too (the name on my driving license and passport.) Externally, I go by by the body's legal name. As an integrated whole, I go by my legal name too. When communing with other Alters, I go by my symbolic name. I came into existence in 1982 when the core self fragmented. The body was born in 1969.

I am a gay white man. I don't know why I am homosexual. Whether it is a result of abuse trauma or a result of genetics (or both), I'll probably never know. Regardless of the cause, the right-wing hate-based religious fundamentalists have it all wrong: I didn't choose to be homosexual. I simply am homosexual.

I like writing, playing fantasy role-playing games (like Dungeons and Dragons), bicycling, and electronic gadgets. I don't think I've seen a gadget that I didn't like. I have two books in print (under my legal name), and I've written a fantasy role-playing game. The game I wrote is, in quite a few ways, a clever expression of my internal psychic profile. There is a character class called a Protector. There is a race of quasi-Angelic beings called Changelings. There are other examples as well in this game.

My physical body is that of a physically fit, 5'10" middle-aged man with "rugged" good looks. The body has brown hair (with a little grey), kept short and tidy, and the body has blue eyes. Here, "rugged good looks" means that I'd actually be "handsome" if I was rich, ha ha. This body functions well and is properly designed and proportioned. There are only a few mundane physical defects (astigmatism, scarring, etc.) The odd thing about the aging process is that the body changes over time, by the internal manifestation of myself and the Alters does not change.

Compared to the physical body, my Alter-self has a different appearance internally. As Indigo, I have violet eyes and coarse white hair (like Thistle and Willow). My skin is a bit paler. I am more muscular than Thistle, but less so than Ashen. I am not as tall as the physical body -- a fact that caused me quite a bit of inconvenience prior to integration. As an Alter, I don't consider myself "human". I am a changeling -- a being that is sort of halfway between fully human and fully spirit.

I started practicing Wicca in February 2008. I have found it to be a very loving religion. It has none of the fascism and hate of fundamentalist Christianity. I have no grudge against mainstream Christianity, but it just seems that the modern Church has become a place where the wounded, different, and non-conforming have no welcome place -- and that's a shame, since Jesus would probably not recognize the modern church as being focused ion him at all.

But Wicca is not like that. For the first time in my life, I feel loved when I pray.

My best quality is my gallows humour. I can see the upside in almost any lousy situation. I am also a very creative writer and can make a parody of almost anything.

Since I'm integrated, I refer to myself in the first person and the other Alters in the third person.

 

This Alter came into existence at the same time that I did - July 25, 1982. Thistle is an angelic being. He is the only one of us that has external origins. He was a gift to us from God. He is also the only one of us who, in an emergency, can actually leave this body and attempt to get the help of other people (i.e. actual physical people.) How he has accomplished this, I do not know. He's managed to do this three times since his awakening in 1982.

If there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that Thistle believes in God. It's indisputable to him, since he was created by God for the sole purpose of safeguarding the collective life of us. The image he projects is that of a young priest with bright white hair and violet eyes. He's thin but not gaunt. He's left-handed. Unlike me, he does not have a sexual orientation. Angels don't need sex.

Thistle likes Celtic music and really old church hymns. My ability to play handbells in church choir resides chiefly in him. He also likes Enya and Jon Anderson.

As an angelic being, Thistle doesn't need to eat. He takes great joy in sunlight, windy days, and loud swirling thunderstorms, however. These events somehow give him energy. Thistle rarely manifests, and yet I can almost always feel his presence in the background. He's anchored to this body but he's not contained by it, since he can leave the body if he so chooses.

Thistle doesn't experience fear. He knows hope, faith, and love. He is an honest witness for the power and love of Jesus Christ (as opposed to the hate-based Fundamentalists). Oddly enough, he also doesn't criticize my faith in the Goddess but instead believes that there really is only one Supreme Being but that we recognize that Entity in a wide variety of ways.

As an integrated being, I'd say that my faith, basic goodness, and ability to love comes from Thistle. Thistle is the voice of my spirit. Oddly enough, Thistle rarely manifests in the body, but he is very often in the background, so I can hear him and vice versa.

Thistle's domain appears as a sunny, windswept plain that overlooks a warm, blue sea. The sun is bright white, and yet it is safe to look directly at the sun. At the centre of the domain is a circle of maple trees. It is always warm and pleasant here. Thistle's domain is one of peace.

 

Ashen is a Protector, an Alter whose purpose is to safeguard the body from physical harm. He is a straight male that prefers to wear all black - tough leather is distinctly preferred. He likes macho fingerless gloves, motorcycles, guns, and black boots. Unlike me, Ashen is quite conservative. I can tell you that he is 100% responsible for our NRA membership! Ashen and Willow are the two humans of this system.

As a Protector, Ashen is muscular without being muscle-bound. He has black hair, dark eyes, and carrier a pair of black daggers. He wears black leather armour and a black hooded cloak.  He will probably appreciate it greatly if I can afford a motorcycle next year!

Ashen's most notable skill is hyper-vigilance. He cannot be easily surprised. His physical reaction time is incredibly fast. He's spared me from a car accident on more that one occasion.

Ashen is also the only one of us that smokes. He won't smoke menthols. He views menthols as "trash cigarettes". There are other phrases he uses to describe Newports and Kools, but they aren't particularly politically correct! He curses and makes sexually-explicit jokes. He's not friendly to bums and beggars. People who tell lies or won't work are people who he views as useless.

The Protector Alter knows all about anger. For Ashen, anger is a form of energy. It is a focus and a drive. Unlike most people, Ashen is not controlled by anger, but rather he controls anger the way a craftsman controls his tools. Anger is a psychic talisman.

As a Protector, he's not a big talker. He speaks in the fewest words possible. He's rage is quiet, focused, and efficient. He has spoken when necessary, but he views "small talk" as irrelevant.  He would rather do it than talk about it.

As an integrated being, I'd have to say that most of my considerable willpower comes from Ashen. Ashen has courage (which I do not). My ability to drive a car and a motorcycle also comes from Ashen. My ability to push this body beyond normal limitations and overcome pain in doing so also comes from Ashen.

Unlike Thistle's domain, Ashen's world looks like a gloomy, run-down metropolis. It's always night, and the vast majority of the streets are deserted and dark. The streetlights flicker. It's great post-apocalyptic fare.

 

Halo has changed a lot in the past 12 months (~ Winter 2007). Earlier in his incarnation, he was a creature of barbed wire and acid and his domain was a nightmarish landscape of jagged rocks, eternal night, and black rain. He thought his blood was black too. Halo was an entity of concentrated shame, rage, and hurt. He was also destructive to the body. When I was less co-conscious with Halo, I had thought he was suicidal because he would manifest and take a knife or scissors and slash the body's skin open to make it bleed. But as I became more co-conscious (thanks to a whole lot of therapy), I came to realise that that the self-mutilation wasn't intended as a gesture of suicide, but instead was/is Halo's sole known way of releasing the incredible pressure of his emotions. It would scare my friends when Halo would manifest and do a bunch of cutting. Blood is scary for humans. I'm not human either, so it's not a big deal to me, or Halo. but standard humans found Halo's practice unnerving to say the least, and often accused us of being suicidal.

Halo understands guilt. He understands shame. He absorbed a lot of abuse before my creation in 1982. Halo is an older Alter and his direct memories go back much further than mine. He can see memories that are too scary for me to see (just knowing what he sees is scary enough -- but then courage is not my (indigo's) strong suit). He also firmly believes that the Christian God (YHVH) hates him and instead loves people who hurt him. That's an understandable deduction considering how the father-monster got rich by cheating his family and employees, and how YHVH never particularly answered any of our prayers in the various times of darkness. So sometimes he would cut because he thought that blood paid for sins, and since he thought that God hated him, he would have to pay for sins on his own -- with his blood.

An amazing thing happened, however. Halo managed to find three friends who could withstand his anguish and love him anyway. Iris, Joan, and Doris befriended Halo and that is when he began a rapid and remarkable change. These three special people listened for many hours to what Halo so desperately needed to express, and he was shown love in return rather than horror and rejection. I am glad for Halo. By receiving love, the way he thinks began to change. As his thinking changed, so did his manifestation. It was early this year that Halo also discovered Wicca -- a life-affirming, loving faith that welcomes both the light and the dark. When he began to develop a prayer-relationship with the Goddess and learned that She does not ever demand blood payment for sins, the urge to self-mutilate attenuated significantly over the next several months. He went from using a knife and cutting a series of gashes into the body's skin to using a diabetic lancet and drawing forth a single drop of blood. that's a HUGE improvement.

So... What is Halo now? He describes himself as "more person and less creature". He still is the Alter that understands guilt/shame/pain, but he no longer screams in the darkness. His alter-image is a person of flesh and blood now and not barbed wire and acid. He has a face and hands and eyes. He still won't call himself human (only Willow and Ashen self-identify as such), but he's certainly not a completely artificial creature anymore either. His domain is now a misty, dark woodland with moss and mushrooms and ferns. It is always night there, but Halo is not afraid of the dark. He identifies with the dark and that's okay for him.

With his faith in Wicca, his desire is to learn healing magic so he can absorb sickness and pain in others. He's been able to in small ways. for that, I am very happy for him. What will Halo eventually become? I'll let you know in a few more years!

 

This Alter is a 3-year-old child. He wears loose-fitting purple clothes that seem more in keeping with another time. Like Thistle, Willow's hair is pure white and his eyes are violet. Willow is the Alter with which I used to have the least contact. thanks to years of therapy, I'm more co-conscious with Willow also. 

Thistle dubbed Willow "the Heart of Purity". The angelic being also, I believe, somehow protects Willow from harm, but at the same time keeps non-harmful contact away too. I doubt the latter is intentional. What I do know of Willow is that he is innocent, sometimes silly, and almost always happy.

Willow loves trees and flowers. His favourite thing to say about trees is "they aren't in a hurry". Natural weather fascenates him. He likes sunny days and storms and snow and wind. He likes being outdoors and swinging on swings. He usually cannot manifest for long periods of time because he gets tired easily. I suppose a 3-year-old would have trouble making a full-size adult body work.

Willow’s domain is a high, stone tower that has a multitude of rooms. The tower didn't used to have windows but now it does. He can see out into a beautiful green valley filled with trees and grasses. He always carries a glowing rod that provides him with light at night. He is never completely in the dark.

 

This is a fragment, not a full personality. It mainly aids in communication between different Alters (sort of like comm badges do in Star Trek) and helps me concentrate on things when I'm distracted. This is sort of a machine-like entity. The Monitor can't actuall manifest, since it's not a full personality. It's instead a sort of psychological structure that helps the other Alters communicate and function. It also allows for certain shared skills. For instance, Halo can drive a car even though he's never taken a driving lesson. Willow and and and write despite the fact that he's a 3-year-old who has never been to school.

 

The only thing I know about the Ghost is that it exists. I have no communication with it, nor do I know what information or memories it contains. I have the feeling that the Ghost is more Fragment sized than Alter sized. I sometimes suspect that the Ghost is a remnant of the real original personality (of which I personally am a copy, not the real McCoy.) The Ghost is still not integrated into the super-personality; I suspect this is why I don't know what it knows. Apparently Halo saw the room where this fragment/alter lives and it terrified him. He only saw it once and never wanted to again.

 

Now that I'm Integrated

The common myth about integration is that the Alters die. That's not actually what happens. Instead, what happens is that a "super-personality" is created in which the Primary and Alters form together. This super-personality has shared characteristics of all of the Alters, but few of their weaknesses. While this arrangement is not the same as having never been fragmented in the first place, it is at least possible to lead a healthy, productive life like this.

So. . . Why did the integration centre on Indigo and not one of the others? I don't actually know! It was not a conscious, dedicated decision. It's just how it worked out. Perhaps there was a few subconscious processes that I was unaware of.

 

What do you mean by Psychic strength?

Glad you asked! I'm not referring to telepathy or ESP or any of the New Age claptrap. This is "psychic strength" is a term I use to describe the relative strength, intensity, and dynamism of a given personality. In my psychic structure, the strength of the Alters and Fragments are arranged like this:

Indigo (default Primary), Thistle, Halo, Ashen, Willow, Monitor, Ghost.

As an integrated whole, the differences in psychic energy does not matter as much as it used to. Since the Indigo personality is always forward-facing, differences in internal psychic strength can alter Indigo's demeanour, but that's about it. In an integrated mind, the Alters no longer fight for dominance. They still exist, but they have achieved a measure of understanding in their role as helper-personalities and no longer attempt to take over the body. 

Indigo's Words: So... am I a stronger person now that I'm integrated? You bet! Am I as strong as a person who had never been the victim of child abuse? I don't know. It's a cliché, but it's an accurate cliché to say that some wounds just don't heal. There will always be a part of me that suffers mightily. Halo is integrated into the super-personality, but Halo still exists and Halo's pain still exists. I don't lost time anymore. I don't have odd handwriting anymore. I haven't seriously attempted in almost a decade. But that doesn't mean that what happened didn't happen. The abuser was never punished and never will be punished -- and that's a hurt that still haunts me to this day.